Afraid of being Happy? I am.

" You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.  You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."- Albert Camus

Happiness is...having a glass of champagne in a Paris cafe with your beloved.

Life has been pretty darn good to Lisa lately.  This year I did something different.  I wrote my intentions for the year (usually it is resolutions like losing weight, working out more, running more marathons, blah, blah, blah.)  Here are my 2012 intentions:

1) I intend to be sponsored for running and/or triathlons.  

2) I intend to launch my blog. 

3) I intend to move someplace warmer.

4) I intend to get a puppy.

5) I intend to get a part-time job in fundraising.

Let's take a look at these intentions:

1) OK, I'm still working on this one.  I am not the fastest person on the road, but I am quite determined, funny and would shamelessly plug a product I truly believe in.  I just haven't figured out what type of company I would like to sponsor me.  

2) Got this one.

3) The warmth actually came to me rather than me going to it!  Is the universe telling me to stay in Illinois?!

4) Got this one.  I love my Bakon!

Bakon on last week's road trip to WI.

5) Got this one.  I absolutely love, love, love my job at the Historical Society.  I look forward to going to work- this hasn't happened in over 5 years to me.  If feels good to like to go to work.

Everyday, I write in my Gratitude Journal 5 things that I am truly grateful for that day.  

Besides all of these good intentions and being grateful, I am in perfect health, my family is in good health, we are employed and we have enough to renovate the kitchen.  Wow!  It just can't get any better!

I was enjoying my happy, comfortable life, being thankful that all of the hard work and dedication was FINALLY paying off.  I was ALLOWING myself to be happy when I saw this on Facebook from a friend:

Hug your significant other tonight, tight & long! If they are out of town, call them! What if you couldn't do either ever again?!

Then another wrote:

Constantly reminded of the fragility of life. Every breath a reminder you're alive. Life is a gift. Love your family, hug your friends.

Oh shit.  I was too busy being happy to remember that the other shoe must drop soon!  What if? What if? What if?  

It was storming on my way to work yesterday morning.  It was all I could think about that I was too happy, something bad must happen soon.  A tree is going to fall on me, I know it.  Something bad is going to happen to a loved one because I am living it up. I am happy and I don't deserve to be.

For real.  This is how I think.

And it is wrong.

May we all be well.

May we all be happy.

May we all be free from suffering.

We all need to practice some lovingkindness for ourselves. We do deserve this.  Even me.